You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
