I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
