I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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