Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
