i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
