Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
