Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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