Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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