i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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