Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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