I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
