@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
