I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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