just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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