I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
