I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
