WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
