You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
