if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
