Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
