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as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
