I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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