i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I would fuck him just for his dog
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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