He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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