I will die if light touches me.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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