I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
