Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
