Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
