apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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