Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
