I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I accidentally burped into my bong.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
