the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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