im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
