After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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