70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
