i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
this is an emotional support booty call
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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