I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
you win again, gameday.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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