I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
