I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
