why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
