the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
