Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
As shirtless as possible
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
