There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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