You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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