your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The air was thick with penises
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
