my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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