Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
