i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I have feelings that need drinking.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
