Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
