And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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