You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
