my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
