Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
